| Resignation |
[Feb. 26th, 2009|01:06 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | poetry | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
I see neither the road that lies ahead
Nor the reason I took the one I’m on;
But, like a river, I can only trust
That my chosen path knows how to take me
To the liberty and vastness of the sea.
And yet, though I know not where it leads,
I can view from a distance how the road forks
To take me down a path apart from yours;
So I realize that, should I ever look back,
I could only watch you fade into the horizon.
So walk I shall, with eyes looking forward
To the road that Fate prepared for me.
But know, that should this road fork again
And our own two paths should meet anew,
Then always henceforth shall I walk with you. |
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| Of All Things Fleeting |
[Jan. 25th, 2009|02:26 pm] |
This is something I felt I needed to set in writing, for me - and any friends who still bother to check on me or my life every so often - to be able to look back on should the need arise.
As I may have told some, I've been spending the past few months trying to catch up on a lot of stuff; people and things I've missed during the last few years. I am only beginning to realize what a fool's errand this could really turn out be.
I am deeply thankful that several friendships have remained and some others have successfully been renewed. Many old hobbies and interests have been eagerly revisited as well. But then, there are some relationships and affiliations that have faded away, some irrevocably. And I suppose I was a naive fool to have thought that these could ever be the way they had been before. I can only hold on gratefully to the blessings that have remained, and look with hope towards future blessings.
It makes me recall a Japanese saying, which basically said that something beautiful and fleeting is beautiful exactly because its beauty does not last. Something similar has also been said about theater; for on stage, with each passing moment, every move executed and line thrown fades immediately into the past, but can reach into eternity through memory.
And so I will let the past remain in the past, beautiful and immortal, and no longer will I seek to pull the memories into the present, lest they be tainted. |
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| Vindication |
[Jan. 16th, 2009|12:16 am] |
Though my blood has turned to crimson ice,
My eardrums cave in from the silence,
And my eyes are hungry for light,
All is well with the world.
I find my consternation fully sated,
For though the mirror with which
You view yourself remains cracked and cloudy,
You now look into it with honest eyes.
And though your heart is not strengthened
By the self-assurance that accompanies solitude,
Its ability to empty itself to fullness
Grows with each trial and heartache.
And I, though bound by the stasis of change,
Now walk on the road of my own choosing,
And my feeble shoulders have broadened
Beneath the yoke that yesterday entrusted.
So do smile as you bask in warm sunlight
While I keep company with the somber moon.
The wine from her goblet tastes ever sweet
And all is well with the world. |
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| Insomniac |
[Dec. 31st, 2008|12:58 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
12:00 am and I wonder
About the woman years my junior
Who bade the boy in me grow up
But subdued the man I should have been.
I think and I struggle, only to find
The fault was not hers, but mine.
1:00 am and I wonder
About my unfortunate penchant
For being enamored
With almond-eyed women
With the happiest of smiles,
Only to find a mere girl in my arms.
2:00 am and I ponder
How I chose the freedom
Of aching loneliness over
The stifling shackles
Of blissful companionship,
And how I’d have lost either way.
3:00 am and I saunter
Through daydream avenues
Long thought forsaken.
I shake off the false stupor
Of my impossible fantasies
And painfully return to reality.
4:00 am and I’m under
Soft sheets that offer no comfort.
Their weight bears me down
As I toss and I turn,
Praying for the elusive slumber
That I prefer over the alternative. |
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| Happy Holidays |
[Dec. 23rd, 2008|03:31 pm] |
Some people may find it sad, and most can probably relate, when I say that Christmas magic has gone steadily downhill.
The reason is probably how we've conditioned ourselves to behave a certain way and to expect particular things when this time of year comes around. Maybe it's time to "de-condition" ourselves a bit.
It's better not to commercialize Christmas. Sure it's the time for giving, but giving doesn't always have to be about fulfilling a price quota for a Kris Kringle or exchange gift. Nor should it be about how many people you've given gifts to this year; and even less so about how much you got in return. I know people who treat Christmas gift-giving as a sort of monetary investment, with the hopes that the returns are greater than the costs. Seriously, that's a formula for disappointment and misery. More than that, these people really miss the point.
It's better not to romanticize Christmas, either. Truly, it is a blessed time and a time for happiness; but apart from the spiritual, social, commercial, and even political significance of the season, it's still an ordinary point in time. The 25th of December is not a deterrent to tragedies, nor is it a lucky charm. People are still born, and people still die, tragically and unjustly. Saints and sinners alike still go about their daily lives. Some jerk can still make your holiday miserable. The economy and the government still suck as they normally do. Unbridled bliss isn't the point either.
I think it's better to just keep things simple. Screw the gift-giving. Forget the Yuletide cheer. Let us just be thankful that millenia ago, Someone who owes us nothing and whom we spend most of our lives rejecting took on the form of man and gave up His life for us, so that we may one day escape our mortal coils and be one with Him again. Let us remember His sacrifice, His love, and spread the same around in our own little way, material or otherwise. That would make this season not necessarily magical, but much more meaningful.
A blessed Christmas to everyone. |
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| Born or Made? |
[Nov. 26th, 2008|10:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Are people of talent born or made? I've heard this question asked a lot, and in various fields; and the answers have varied greatly. Either argument has its own cases in point. There are those gifted with extraordinary natural talent, who rise to prominence early because of their innate abilities. And then there are the late bloomers, who seemingly did not have much talent to begin with, but who eventually blossomed to be at par with the best of them.
Obviously, for any person's talent or skill to be honed to excellence, that person must have some natural inclination to the talent or skill to be developed. But not all people can be geniuses, who are so gifted that they soar to great heights rapidly and almost effortlessly. Some start small, and work their way up to brilliance not inferior to the geniuses.
But to be able to do that, what they definitely need is opportunity.
Does opportunity belong only to the so-called "naturals"? Does the world of prominence and success belong only to the extraordinarily gifted? In the world today, are the greats in the fields of science and art exclusively the geniuses?
I think not. There are those whose abilities need to be coaxed out of them, through education, hard work and encouragement. These kinds of people deserve as much opportunity as the prodigies, who come to think of it are the exceptions, not the rules.
It would be a shame if the latent talents of not-so-brilliant but promising people were left to waste, to give way to the tyranny of the brilliant and the self-proclaimed elite. |
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| Writing |
[Nov. 25th, 2008|09:30 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | poetry | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
A poem came to me out of nowhere. It's been a while since I wrote one of these. Well, I guess droughts will be as dry as can be, but when it rains, it really pours.
A LAMENT
It is ever to my utter dismay
That I find myself tightly clinging in vain
To castles built in the sand,
While I stubbornly beat my powerless fists
Against walls of immovable rock. |
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| Flash Fiction: "Lesser Evil" |
[Nov. 25th, 2008|01:29 pm] |
(My first completed attempt at writing flash fiction. Feel free to comment/critique.)
“I lied.”
Ria froze at the sudden, though not unexpected admission. Still, the words had her reeling as though from a sharp blow.
“I lied,” Mick said again with exaggerated conviction, as if the repetition would steel his nerve, and allow him to continue. “The extra courses, the masteral degree. Everything. It’s all a lie.”
Ria was lost for words. Her moistening eyes darted across the room, as if looking for something she just could not find.
She began to ask, “Then what…?” Then her eyes widened. “Your writing? Your sketches? Your damned ‘sequential art’?” she spattered.
Anger flashed briefly in Mick’s eyes at that last remark. He glared at Ria, but at the sight of her tears now flowing freely down her cheeks, his eyes softened and his face sank, his remorse at hurting Ria dulling any offense he had taken. He stared at her, not knowing how to respond.
“You know it’s always been my frustration,” Mick said at length. “My dream…”
“Your dream!” she spat suddenly. “What about our dream? The political science and law degrees? The revolutionary partnership? Have you forgotten about that, you immature, selfish dreamer?!”
“Our dream.” He scoffed indignantly. “Don’t you mean yours?”
Ria ignored that retort. “How could you deceive me like that?”
“It was something I had to do. For me,” Mick heard himself blurt. He paused to compose himself and collect his jumbling thoughts. “I kept it from you to protect your feelings,” he stammered.
“You did it to protect yourself!” she half-screamed, half-wailed.
Mick looked as though he had been slapped.
“To protect yourself from me. From how I would react,” she continued in a tone both hurt and unsure.
Mick’s eyes became distant, unreadable. “Perhaps,” he finally said as his gaze drifted to the floor. Then he slowly looked back at Ria, his eyes boring into hers. “So you admit, you would never have stood for it. I would have had neither your approval nor your support.”
Now it was Ria’s turn to look like she had been slapped.
“Of course,” he muttered with a resigned sigh. “How could you have been supportive of that? There I was again, being Mick. Not the Mick you’ve been hoping – no, expecting I would be, but the Mick I always have been, and probably always will be.”
Ria’s silence and facial expression spoke louder than if she had audibly agreed. Still, a hint of denial showed in her eyes.
“I loved you, you know,” Mick began. Ria could not ignore his use of the past tense. Still, she could say nothing, and could only listen.
“Loved you to the point that nothing else mattered but your happiness,” Mick continued, his voice breaking. “So much so that, even though I was no longer happy, I’d convince myself that I was, as long as you were. I’d lie to you – and to myself.” Again his gaze began to wander to the floor, but his eyes lit up, and again he looked Ria in the eye. “And now, you’re not even happy anymore, are you?”
Ria could only stare at the man who stood before him; a man who, though on the verge of tears, suddenly seemed more sure of himself and more free than she had ever seen him in the five years they had been together.
“You are capable of so much more,” she managed to say.
“Perhaps,” Mick replied. “Perhaps not. But in the end, that’s for me to decide. Not you.” He turned and slowly made his way to the door as he spoke. “I can’t keep being who you’d like me to be, Ria. It would be living a lie. No, in fact-”
“It has all been a lie,” she finished for him.
With a self-deprecating grin and a shrug, Mick turned and reached for the doorknob. With one last glance at Ria, he walked out of the room, leaving her staring at the closing door. |
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| Surprise, Surprise |
[Nov. 25th, 2008|12:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
People continue to surprise and baffle me.
On a positive note, I encountered a taxi driver who actually gives you your due change, down to the last peso, instead of just assuming he can have the loose change (the definition of "loose" varying greatly from driver to driver, like maybe Php2.50 to Php25). I was so shocked I just let him keep all of it. I wish the damn lot of them were just like him, God bless his soul.
On a negative note, well, some people's newly obtained positions of authority have totally changed them as people. Once open, liberal and artistic minds have given way to favoritism, pettiness and downright tyranny. The changes were so dramatic, I could hardly believe it. They are not as I once knew them, which begs the question: did the versions of them I knew really exist in the first place, or have their truest selves, contrary to how I knew them, been finally revealed? It's a shame really, a crying shame.
This really wasn't the type of insight or inspiration I was looking for. |
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| Uninspired |
[Nov. 17th, 2008|10:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
Writing has always been, besides a source of pleasure, catharsis for me. When there are too many conflicting emotions within me (or too much of a single one, for that matter), writing about it always gives me the peace I need. Even better if I come up with something more creative than a mere rant or rave.
In retrospect, I often believe that I could have, and should have pursued Creative Writing as a major way back when I was starting college. If only I hadn't foolishly fallen for the sales talk from the folks at the Computer Science Department.
Now, I sure as hell am need of that catharsis which writing can give me. But for some reason, it seems even writing has deserted me.
For now, this will have to suffice. I hope it finds a better form soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2006|01:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  rejuvenated | ] |
We are stronger than bitterness. We are stronger than jealousy. We are stronger than obsession. We are stronger than hatred. We are stronger than lust.
We have been brought together for a reason. And we will pursue that to the end.
Yes. I think I've found her already. |
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| Ampalaya |
[Jun. 20th, 2006|10:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cynical | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Anna Tsuchiya - Rose | ] |
Geia's immortal "supporting actor" theory came up again today.
It's the bitter truth. You can devote so much time and energy to a person you like. You can become such a great person in doing so. The friends and/or the family end up liking you, or maybe even loving you. But the person him/herself? Nada. Not a chance.
And whom does he/she end up liking back? Some looker who barely lifted a finger to do anything for him/her. All because there's a certain spark, or a certain thrill, or an inexplicable fascination.
People who are genuine, who really care, and who really try, deserve better. But then who do they end up as? The supporting actors in some twisted teen flick. The people who, after and despite all they've said and done, suffer in the background as the lead actor and actress walk off in romantic fashion towards the sunset.
It's just not fair.
But when was life - or "love," for that matter - fair, anyway? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2006|11:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
It is truly sad when a person is stuck in a phase when he/she thinks the key to a happy life is a happy lovelife.
I am guilty of this a lot, but tonight served as an awakening not just in that aspect, but in a lot of other personal issues.
It's really not fair to equate happiness to finding some person who will sweep you off your feet and overwhelm you with unbridled passion. Sure, it'll make you happy. But that's not the point.
Happiness is everywhere. It's just that people often choose not to look in places where it's free... and often, much more real. It's in family, it's in friends. It's in people whose love is uncompromising. Not with some hottie who could very well screw up your mind, break your heart and leave your soul in shambles.
Love is overrated, they say. The "love" that people are obsessed with, the "love" that makes your heart skip a beat and destroys eating and sleeping habits, the "love" in pretty faces and delicious bodies, the "love" that is hyped by the media and by literature, the "love" that is commercialized - yes, it's fricking overrated.
But the love that is given by those who really care, and the love that is sustained for a lifetime - hell no. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2006|11:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
I want to do really well this schoolyear. I'm not sure I'm starting on the right note, though.
There are a lot of opportunities coming Last Minute's way. But our members are dealing with a lot of stuff right now. And though we've already met to discuss things, reaffirm our commitment and make the necessary adjustments, we've yet to see how it'll all play out in the end.
I've somewhat revived the spiritual aspect of my life. But i'm starting to feel the toll that the past several years have taken on me. The real challenge has just begun.
And I've supposedly managed to purge the bitterness in my heart. Or the inexplicable yearning for something more than what I've seemingly contented myself with right now. But somehow, some of the bitterness and the yearning remains.
It's a struggle. But this ain't life without it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2006|02:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | LSS of "Let the Sunshine In" | ] |
I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to go through with it, but I did. After 6 long years, I finally went to Confession.
Thank God for Days with the Lord. Haha! That kinda sounds funny if you think about it. But I mean it.
God knows a lot of other things about Days, particularly in this girls' batch, make me happy.
So, aside from a creepy episode in Ateneo, where on my first attempt to go home I confirmed the fear that I may have a half-open "third eye", it's been a blast. |
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| Closure |
[Jun. 9th, 2006|05:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
So, she has a boyfriend now.
I don't know if this is an ex she hooked up with again, or the best among the recent suitors. Either way, it makes no difference. This kind of thing takes time. And it explains a lot.
At least now, I can really close the book on this one.
I wasn't expecting this at all though. I don't know if what I feel right now is just shock or surprise.
Whatever.
Close the book. Walk on by. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 8th, 2006|10:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bleach - Hanabi | ] |
I should mortify my eyes a lot more. A lot of the weaknesses in my character are rooted in my inability to resist eye-candy.
Either that, or I resort to becoming even more cerebral.
Me? Cerebral? Ha. Impossible. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2006|03:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  listless | ] |
Sometimes you think you've moved on.
But you realize a part of you hasn't. And that part of you never will.
The pain you feel, when compared to all the pain felt throughout the world, is trivial.
But that pain is yours alone, and only yours to feel. It is in your heart, in your inner world. If you don't feel that pain every so often, you haven't truly lived. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2006|10:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Join the Club - Nobela | ] |
One of my greatest fears has been realized.
I'm no longer the type who falls in love. I've become needy. Whimsical. Desperate even. It's pathetic.
Is it deprivation? Is it overcompensation? I dunno. I don't understand.
And I really wish I could write about more important concerns. Like the Playfest maybe, about how our young members have a lot of potential; and how history has repeated itself, as again there is conflict between entertainment and pertinence.
But no.
So I'll have to stick to the wearisome routine of watching what I do and second-guessing myself constantly.
But really, how well could you possibly live your life if you can't even trust yourself? |
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| Two Options I Wish I Had |
[May. 8th, 2006|10:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | John Mayer - Love Song For No One | ] |
Satisfy this inexplicable need;
OR
Eliminate it entirely. |
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